truth.

and it's amazing how energy can shift.

as soon as i got to school today.

i feel the weight of the world in my heart.

this week is "convocation" at York and there are students graduating, walking around in their graduation robes and caps. and other students working hard. stressing out. and i sink. absorb. it all comes into me. the energies collide. and i don't know how i feel or what i've done.

perhaps i have a problem with my confidence level. it's like i push myself so far into something and i forget how well i've done and how important this work is.

i'm hoping for another shift in energy, as this doesn't feel comfortable.

yesterday.

and maybe if i would have spent a little more time thinking. or opened my mind a bit more. i would have grasped an immediate understanding.

and i will not be including trans youth in my definition of queer. i did not interview any trans youth and i think as a queer person working on an important project like this i need to think about the people who might not have an understanding of what "queer" means or what "trans" means and the two are often conflated into one. Not all trans people are queer.

and through my research i have learned that shelters in Canada are extremely behind in their "trans policies", although there are some shelters that are more "sensitive". But being "sensitive" is not good enough, and for this reason i will not include the "T" in LGB..

There is so much transphobia within society, even so in the queer community. and all of this is enough of a reason for another project to begin. But not now...later.

...

and today i will present my research to the class. 

i hope. it goes. well.

and lately i've been wishing for a cabin. with water. and fire. and great big trees.

a cabin filled with books and words. pocket sized dictionaries. and good food.

early morning deers.

late night moon. wide awake. with water.

and birch.

barefoot.

typewriter.

i've been dreaming. and lately i've had a wish for this.

..

feeling.

today we are back to class. until wednesday.

and as the days pass i feel this powerful pressure feeling. i hope i am on the right track with my work. 

and i think i need to set up a couple of meetings to discuss the chapters of my MRP and the length of each.

i also think i need to just write and not think so much.

.

and the more time i spend with all of this literature and all of these words the more evident it is to me that i want to be a part of something big for queer homeless youth. i want to open a shelter with services. a place where there doesn't have to be that fear of being bashed or judged...

.

and i got a camcorder. a small one. small enough to carry in my hand while i'm walking around.  i've wanted one for so long. and it's funny. because i haven't been using it. although i just got it. i need to sit with it for a while. 

like these feelings and ideas...

lists.

Yesterday i met with a person named Spencer. A random sort of meeting. A month or two ago he overheard a conversation between 2 of my classmates on the bus. And so it happened.  It was really nice to sit with him and Kristin and discuss our various interests and projects.

And i've been thinking lately..of art installations. Great big pieces. Huge. Massive. with space to take up. And i've been thinking of lists. i love lists:

1. art.

2. massive canvas.

3. late night. early morning.

4. train tracks and ice cream truck music.

5. hot air balloons.

6. safety.

7. words like butter.

8. gobase.

9. wires and pipes.

10. fields and studios.

..

something to work towards.

and to keep things in order. or something like it.

..

and i've completed coding the last 2 interviews.

today i will prepare my presentation for next week..

cartwheels and happy.

i spent this entire day transcribing my last 2 interviews. all day. with several breaks in between. started around 9am and just finished (it's 8.15pm).

damn, i feel good!

Nothing left to transcribe. i just have to code those last 2 interviews.

i'm not sure why i spent so many hours finishing them up today. i think i just want the transcribing and coding to be done for classes next week. i think i just hate it when people make me feel like i can't do something.

and so, now i've done it...i've interviewed 5 youth and 5 managers/supervisors at various services. i interviewed 10 people and i transcribed those interviews. 

: )

it's good to have some confidence....it took a while.

anyhow, i'm done for today and i feel like doing cartwheels! 

update

My literature review is complete. I found it challenging trying to get it all into 12 pages. There is always so much to say about this research and about previous research on this topic.

I am now in the process of finishing up my transcribing. I mostly feel on track and very motivated, but I have my moments and fear that I will not be done in time.

Last night I went to Buddies for the launch of the CTYS resource guide for parents of trans youth.

It was extremely moving. So many wonderful people who had worked so hard to make the guide. And so many wonderful parents of trans youth were there.

I introduced myself to the "executive director of CTYS" and told her a bit about my research and my interest in CTYS. She was really nice and asked me to email her.  

I can see myself working at a place like CTYS in the future.

Next week we are back in class. I very interested in hearing about my classmates' research. I'm looking forward to being back in class!

questions.

he wasn't asking for any. but i had some. and he wasn't asking. but i was giving. and so the story went. and maybe because i held him in my eyes for so long as i walked through in search of the perfect 'wish'. it doesn't really even matter all that much. tokens and money. and he just wanted burger king. and there was something in his eyes. or mind. there was something. and i could have stayed for longer. but i don't know if he knew. and maybe he thought i was scared. or something.

.

and if there was the option to insert a recording device into my eyes..i'd do it. i'd take it. because when the leaves fell this afternoon. it was really something.

and if there was the option to insert a recording device into my mind..i'd do it too. because when i remembered the way i felt finding acorns as a child. it was really something.

.

and last night i went to the cyndi lauper concert. and she spoke about homophobia in the school. and there was a lot of talking about all of this discrimination and having to "come out" and so on. it struck me deep inside. like the way Eli Clare's book is. and has.

.

all of this reading i am doing for my MRP is...

my voice feels louder all of a sudden.

and there is no hiding. no trying. there is no nothing.

.

and all of us.

we just are.

.

and someone said something about 'acceptance'.

and i have to question that.

'acceptance' of what?

.

and why are we forced to 'come out' as 'gay'.

and why do we have to fight for safety?

and why are so many people without a home because they just are...

.

these are questions.

and the more i read the more i question....

.

and he wasn't asking.

but i was giving.