another way.

Pride was wonderful, powerful, filling, tiring, overwhelming, and hot!

i videotaped until my hands could not function anymore.

and through the crowds of people i searched for faces and moments.

i absolutely loved being behind a lens.

.

i learned that i really need to get a spare battery for my camcorder : (

.

and it was interesting to see who was at Pride and who was not.

SHOUT was there.

519 was there.

SOY was there.

i did not see Evergreen or Covenant House.

.

there was no float for queer homeless youth. meanwhile, a huge proportion of homeless youth are queer.

.

.

as i continue the process of writing and reading. i am learning that i may not be able to devote a section of writing to "my story". i hold a lot of shame and guilt. i feel embarrassed for my family..not embarrassed of myself, but of them and their actions.

i have found another way to tell this story and i will have to see if this form is "allowed/acceptable".

it is an art piece that i have already begun..with words and images and paint and paper and pages. a type of zine perhaps.

my own story. from the inside. out.

.

another way to tell "my story".

PRIDE

i've always liked pride, but i've never felt as excited for it as i do this year.

this year pride is like christmas.

every year on the sunday i never miss the P-Flag float. i never ever miss it.

and i always cry. every single time. i cry. 

and this year i'll have a lens to look through..

.

this is my 10th pride. and it was 7 years ago now that i came out to my family.

every pride marks us further away from those painful memories.

.

and i find myself thinking about the 5 youth i interviewed and how they all had something to say about pride. different stories. different lives.

and the one. this is his first Toronto pride. and he said something about something. a plan to do as much. and drugs. as much. and then afterwards to go to an over night detox centre. afterwards. when pride is over. and i hope. i hope he's alright.

.

like a birth.

this is my something to focus on. and to be inside of.

this is mine to share and to be with.

today the sun explodes out of the sky and into my skin.

into my thoughts.

with happy. words. and text.

something to show. and tell. 

talk about.

.

i met with stephen yesterday. and i felt encouraged and proud.

the meeting went well.

and i spoke about my desire to push and pull for a 'queer shelter'.

and we spoke about punk and graffiti and art.

.

today i met with nancy.

as always it felt clear. like open skies.

and energized with sun. and brightness.

something to look into.

and forward to.

.

i am feeling so thankful for having such a supportive, encouraging, and really spectacular team behind/beside me during this phase of my Master's.

it's really something.

and this is like a pregnancy. (although i've never been pregnant!). with midwives. or something like that.

somedays feel really painful. and other days are just beautiful with magic.

and soon. in a matter of months i will give birth to our very own "document".

i will care for it. and i will present it to the ones that helped me most.

.

this energy here. right now. is damn good.

beginning.

and i'm beginning with the method.

the way it happened.

the words are slowly flowing out of me.

i think i need to just write and be okay with whatever i write now.

rather than beat myself up for not being "good enough".

because i don't even know what "good enough" looks like anymore.

.

and this weekend is Pride.

i will take my camcorder everywhere i go.

.

Pride feels different to me this year than any other year.

i think this project has a lot to do with that difference.

.

and tomorrow i have a meeting with Stephen. to go over my work to date.

it's been a long time since we last met.

.

back to method.

and i must forget about "good enough"...

i must engage with the keys, the words and the experience.

.

i must.

exploding.

and if i let the words sit in my mind for long enough. with music. and trees. with time. they float out in a stream. of consciousness. and they float. out.

soon. in 24 hours the words will hatch.

i am ready.

i can feel this. warming.

and this weekend i showed 2 photos at "delight". the space felt good. and open. and i long for studios with wide, old windows.

and the space was a documentary film company. i've been feeling brave lately, so i spoke to the person who "manages/runs" the company. and i told him about my interest in film and social change and so on. and they are currently working on a film about homelessness and children in Canada. wow. and the conversation was a shift or a pull. a desire to be further involved. and to really share my research. or to make it something that can be shared. good enough.

and then this morning the director from CTYS emailed me back and she would like to meet with me and the research director. and so i feel nervous with energy and enthusiasm. and hope. that i can be seen. from the inside. 

.

24 more hours to go. this passion is explosive..

full and empty.

twice in one day. again.

i think this journal is like safety or something.

my hidden world in a world.

and today is just a shitty day.

that's all there is to it.

.

i woke up with great intentions to begin writing myself down.

and i didn't get far.

i wrote "my story".

and then the weight of the world again. in my heart.

and i can't find words to describe these feelings.

but, how do i even begin writing about a world that is so full of pain and harm.

how do i do it?

i want my paper to be powerful and i want to go directly to the heart.

i want to show how much we hurt each other. how much more gentle we need to be to people.

.

oh gosh.

it's a full moon.

and i guess this is what happens to me when the moon is full.

.

i fill.

and empty.

language.

i found class interesting yesterday. there were a lot of great ideas presented. we certainly are a diverse group.

however, i couldn't help but find a lot of the language that people used...restrictive...or something like it.

i found words like: "behavioural", "disorder", "behaviours", "diagnosis" used often.

i understand that we all have different understandings of what words mean, but still there is something that feels so pathologizing in the classroom, in the students.

and i wish that people spoke more about the language they use and what they truly mean when they say what they say.

.

i feel relieved to be done my presentation, although it was just a short presentation i felt quite nervous, maybe because this work runs through my veins.

.

i have a meeting setting up with stephen for next wednesday, as it's been a long long while since we last met. i look forward to showing him where i am at and to hearing his feedback.

. 

and now my plans are to write...write...write...and see where that takes me.