Thursday, May 29, 2008


it's like all the listening has produced space. or something.
and this research with its project and people and stories.
there is something that has teared open my heart. at its seams. where it was broken. before.
and the memories ooze out. or something.
all this coding has got me thinking. about coding and codes. and how it's just that that really damages and destroys and creates conflict.
all the fighting. all the codes. and change.
and perhaps i've chosen the best possible topic to do research on. and perhaps this is where my life needs to be. i think about all the people. about this world. about all the broken families. and situations. and how many youth are abused for just being. for breaking out of certain codes.
i think about "coming out" and only hope for a day when there will be no such a thing as having to "come out". 
i am brewing and stirred inside. i stir myself. and this brews me. inside.
i want to work with queer youth who are involved in abusive family situations.
i've never felt this so strong inside. when i first started my Master's i remember speaking to Nancy and saying that i want to do research connected to homeless youth. and i remember her asking me if i want it to be "queer" youth. i said no.
and perhaps i've been running away. or pushing this all deep inside. where it brews and stirs.
but today i feel broken. through. and out.
today i am pulsing and pushing at the seams of my heart...

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